To give this a bit of context for those who don’t know me, I’m not a super mature person (as evidenced by my usage of the word ‘super’). I’m very loud and I make bad jokes constantly. When I say constantly, I mean it. I often behave like a child or an immature teenager. Before this gets worse, let’s just say that I’m an immature person most of the time. How does this translate spiritually? Well there’s a bit of a story behind that.
So, since I became a Christian two-and-a-half years ago, I’ve always felt the Spirit with me. Like, It was always in the room with me, It never left me. I would sometimes stop what I was doing just to talk to the Spirit very very casually. And not always in a prayer-type fashion, I would talk to the Spirit like I would talk to my friends basically. Not always but a lot of the time. I’m not a very strong Bible reader, I know very little OT and some NT but definitely not close to enough. So I was talking to God not through His Word but like a mate of mine. Now, back to the story and the reason for this post.
So it was a couple weeks ago when I was doing some writing when I suddenly felt like something was wrong. Deeply wrong. I couldn’t feel the Holy Spirit with me. Now, I know that God will never abandon us or forsake us (Deut 31:6, Isaiah 41:10) but I truly felt cut off from the Spirit. It was one of the worst feelings in my life and I quickly fell into some distress. I was acting weird and I couldn’t keep my head on straight (figure of speech, I’m not a robot or some weird broken toy). During this time, I went to a close family members wedding at a rather large house but in this house there was a chapel. A beautiful chapel. The whole house was very much Jewish culture themed and, when I spoke to the owner of the house, he told me that he had tried to keep it as accurate as possible to the time of Christ in terms of theme. When we walked into the chapel, we had to take our shoes off and put away our cellphones. It was such a beautiful room and you would really think that one would feel a deep connection with God in that room. Well I didn’t. In fact, I felt more distant in that room and I was close to tears (thank goodness the chapel was quite tucked away, right?).
So a weekend passed of fervent prayer and much distress. I was still a believer, I never doubted that Christ was real, but I felt like I had fallen away and that was scary. And along came that Monday and I had to head in to college for group work on an assignment. I ended up sitting on a couch next to the room we were working in because I was bored when my prayers were answered. My college Bible Study leader was walking past and we started talking about me potentially studying theology after my current degree and basically did a check-in of each other. She listened to my worries and spoke to me. The conversation went something like this:
Leader: So how do you know God will never abandon us?
Me: Well it’s part of His character, who He is.
Leader: Right. And how do we know about God’s character?
Me: Through Scripture isn’t it?
Leader: Yes! And what do you never read?
I’ll spare you some of the finer details of the conversation but, essentially, it came down to God having nurtured me in the Spirit this far but now it’s time to “grow up” and be more rooted in the Word. I had let myself be immature about my faith for a very long time and had neglected to read Scripture, at least not in any detail. It was seconds after this conversation ended that I felt God saying to me ‘See, I’m still here. It’s just you who needs to put more work into this’. I had ignored Scripture in favour of keeping my relationship with God almost casual. But now, I have been called to be more mature and to grow my relationship with God and I fully intend on following through with this! Looking forward to sharing in this growth with you and seeing where God takes me.
Thanks for reading! Have an awesome day and God bless.